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Feelings exist in context to others

So much of what I help my clients with is interpersonal:

“My boss constantly makes me feel dismissed. I know he’s not doing it to be hurtful, but it really brings down my confidence. Now I find myself constantly second-guessing whether or not I’m good at my job.”
“Why would she say that? She’s my best friend! She knows I already worry about my weight. I could have punched her.”
“I hate coming home after work. I’m already so burnt out, but I know my wife will need help with dinner, the kids - something. I just don’t have it in me. I don’t know what’s going on - I love my family! What is wrong with me?”

While it is important to spend time understanding your thoughts and feelings, I often inevitably reach a point where I ask, “Could you tell your boss/friend/wife that?” This is because it’s not always reasonable just to change ourselves or our beliefs - in accepting our feelings, we may discover that we need something in our environment to change. Taking our feelings, concerns, or fears to others can create a ripple effect that amplifies our happiness.

But how do I do that?

Many of us equate asking for help or needing something from someone else with conflict. We fear that our concerns and feelings will hurt or offend others. It feels easier in the short term to bury our feelings rather than to do anything with them.

“I’d love to say that to my boss, but he’s already so aggressive. I don’t want to start a fight and I certainly don’t want to lose my job.”
“This friendship is so important to me. I get that I should probably tell her how hurtful that comment was, but I can’t really afford to push her away right now.”
“I’d rather just deal with this myself. It’s not fair to my wife to bring my work stress home, she’s stressed too.”

Unfortunately this is often not sustainable in the long term, and people come to therapy when this strategy causes them personal pain.

A quick strategy for communicating without conflict

I spend a lot of time talking to people about Nonviolent Communication, an approach developed by Marshall Rosenberg to increase peaceful living. Many people say, “Huh? Nonviolent? It’s not like I was going to physically fight them!” In this context, nonviolent means peaceful - without conflict, without defensiveness, without aggressiveness. While Rosenberg had global applications in mind for this communication style, I find that clients can use it in their every day lives to find simple ways to represent how they truly feel:

So, the folks above might use Nonviolent Communication to say:

“Jim, when you talked over me in that meeting, I felt dismissed. In the future, could we talk about these things privately after the meeting has ended?”
“When you made a comment about me taking a second helping at dinner, it really made me feel judged. I’ve worked hard on my relationship with food and I need space to eat when I’m hungry. Would you be willing to not comment on how much I’m eating?”
“Babe, when I came home the other night and you yelled at me about mowing the lawn, I felt like such a failure. I’m struggling at work right now and I really need time to decompress when I get home. Do you think I could have an hour to sit when I get home after work tomorrow?”

Nonviolent Communication as a strategy is empowering, compassionate, and empathic. It conveys respect to others while also helping you say what you truthfully feel. Even more, it changes the way that you hear others. What may have previously inspired defensiveness in you now reveals the pain/stress/hurt the other person is feeling. This shortcut bypasses conflict and leads to more peaceful communication.