Boundaries
“Yeah, I’ve heard a lot about boundaries lately.” They’re not just a buzz word, people! Learning how to articulate and communicate your limits is one of the best self-care strategies you can employ. So much of what we do to cope deals with our symptoms: stress, anger, or sadness in our relationships with others. Proactively setting boundaries can address the root cause of these emotions.
Why set boundaries?
Unfortunately setting boundaries is not effortless. Many of us have been primed to believe that communicating our limits is something we should feel guilty about; i.e. by asking someone to respect these limits, we are implying that they are a bad person. Through this lens, boundaries = conflict. In actuality, it’s just the opposite - healthy, clear boundaries are designed to keep a relationship, not lose it. We are giving others the manual for helping us feel comfortable, safe, and respected.
So why bother pushing through this fear? “I’ve gotten so good at suppressing my needs, can’t I just keep it up?” Setting boundaries helps to:
Manage your capacity. When others constantly trespass your boundaries, you set up expectations that you can’t possibly fulfill. This often leads to stress, burn out, guilt, or even low self-esteem.
Keep people in your life. We all have that difficult, or even toxic, family member that we still care about. Telling them our limits shifts some of the burden of the relationship on to them, and gives them a route to navigate.
Honour your feelings and make them productive. Our emotions contain valuable information about what we need, but when we equate need with conflict, it feels easier in the short term to suppress them. Again - this is often unsustainable.
Demonstrate and re-iterate your self-worth - typically to others, but often you need a reminder as well!
Role model healthy relationships to those who might be watching us (children, friends, partners, employees).
Where to start
What is it that I am feeling? Begin with your emotional experience in the moment - these feelings indicate what you need. Anger or frustration are common “markers” for a boundary violation.
What is it that I need? Do I need something from this person (e.g. a different behaviour)?
The communication script from Communication Without Conflict is a great next step.
Practice! Try: writing out what you want to say, practicing saying it out loud, calling up a trusted other, and/or taking it to your therapist.
Where possible, start small. Often we realise we need a boundary at the most difficult moments in our lives - however, taking boundary-setting to the mother that has stressed you out your whole life is kind of like starting on hard mode. Try out this new way of being with more trusted friends, or in lower-stakes situations (telemarketers are a captive audience)!
What if my boundaries aren’t respected?
Unfortunately, the other person may not always rise to the occasion. This means you need to:
Check in with your boundary: were you clear? Simple? Sometimes our anxiety or fear of conflict leads us to “muddy the water” when communicating our limits. Consider the difference between the following examples:
Clear, simple, assertive: “When you show up to my house without asking me ahead of time, I feel put on the spot. In the future, I need you to ask if it’s okay to come over.”
Remember, our emotions shouldn’t be up for debate. Attaching a clear need to how someone makes you feel does not have to inspire defensiveness; rather, the goal is to inspire empathy and understanding.
Watered down: “Hey, I know this is kind of weird but I was hoping maybe you wouldn’t just show up like this? I know you’re just trying to be nice. I guess sometimes it’s okay. I’m sorry.”
Anxiety about offending someone else can make our boundary unclear. Unclear boundaries lead to confusion (“So wait, am I allowed to come over still?”) and sometimes frustration (“I already told them not to do this, why are they still showing up unannounced?”)
Confrontational: “You always do this!!! Stop just showing up here! You’re such a control freak.”
If the way we communicate our boundary attacks, it can inspire defensiveness or argumentativeness in the other person. Now, your boundary appears to be up for negotiation (“What do you mean I always do this? I’m not a control freak!”)
Re-iterate and re-inforce. While you may have made a change in yourself and your communication style, this may still be very new for the other person. It may take a couple of instances before they are used to the new, assertive “you”. Clearly and simply re-state your boundary and let them sort out their response.
Accept. Maya Angelou said “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. Sometimes we avoid setting boundaries because we suspect the other person will violate them anyways. It can be a difficult thing to realise that others do not care (or cannot empathize) enough to respect our boundaries. You have a choice in this situation: go no-contact and end the relationship, or continue the relationship with adjusted expectations.
References
Boundaries: Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy by Megan Sutherland, MSW RCSW: https://willowtreecounselling.ca/articles/boundaries-easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy/
Communication Without Conflict: https://mandythiessen.com/resources/2020/7/14/non-violent-communication
How to Set Boundaries with Toxic People by Shannon Martin, LCSW: https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com/set-boundaries-toxic-people/
Why are Emotions Important by Dr. Les Greenberg: https://www.youtube.com/watch?ab_channel=TheNorwegianInstituteofEmotion-focusedTherapy&v=Tiu13Nioqxo